rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
