Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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