I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
