Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
