i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
