I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize