Tell her she can't have a vagina
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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