Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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