You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize