i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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