Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
