Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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