Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
birth control should be required to get into college
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
