saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
