apparently the secret to your success is patron
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
