I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
