Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
