The maid of honor just puked.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
If its not for food we ain't going out.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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