I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
