idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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