I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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