I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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