My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Randomize
