He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
