so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
