franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
