apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
