In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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