im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
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