Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
