Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
