I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
