dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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