I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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