I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
