[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
