You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
