1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Randomize
