we have pet lesbian snakes
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
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