I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Naked. naked and bneed help.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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