What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
