Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
