I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
