How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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