The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
