If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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