Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize