the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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