im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
