So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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