just come out here and I will go home with you...
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
