I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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