I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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