I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize