i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
