I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
