if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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