I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
