well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I could have mohawked her pubes.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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