My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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