I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
