my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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