Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
