Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
