The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
